You are worthy. Why be afraid of silence?
When I speak to people to go for Vipassana* , the most common reaction of friends is that, “9 days without speaking?! I will not be able to stay without speaking for 9 days!!”
Why is it difficult to stay without speaking? This question led me to delve deeper into 'whys' of our need for speaking and 'whys' of our fear of being silent and 'whys' of our not giving premium to listening. Hope this awareness makes my friends look at their fear on the face.
When we speak, are we alone? No, for a person to speak, there is need of at least one person who listens to the speaker. So when we speak, what need of ours is getting fulfilled? A person speaks when s/he has the need to be heard and understood.
Have you seen or experienced in a workshop where a speaker is speaking and others are not listening? How does it feel if You are the speaker? You do not feel Good; Right? And that is why we set out a rule in the beginning that when a Speaker is speaking people should to not be speaking among themselves. So when we speak we are actually fulfilling our need of being heard. The more this need, the more compelling our desire to speak.
Now let’s think of another situation. You have gone to a place where you do not know their language. When you spoke about something say asking for direction, all of them listened but they did not understand. You feel frustrated; Right? Think of another situation. You are with a group of people who speak some language which you do not speak and they do not understand what you speak. You are free to speak and they are ready to listen. But they do not understand. Is the situation comfortable for you? No, so when we speak we not only have a need to be heard but also a need to be understood.
Think of another situation. Think of a day when you went out and you spoke to many people. All of them heard you, you know they know your language and understood what you said, but none of them responded. Nobody answered, no body spoke back, no body acknowledged. Was that comfortable? No; most certainly not, isn’t it? Did you feel ignored? Did you feel humiliated? Did you feel low? Speaking and not being acknowledged hits at the heart of who you are and your self esteem. Did you feel nonexistent? So when we speak we have a need to be heard, a need to be understood and a need to be acknowledged.
Thus when we speak we are in fact receiving support to fulfil our need of being heard, understood, acknowledged, responded because this is connected to our own self worth and self esteem. So whenever we speak we think we are worthy and we are speaking something of value and that is what we expect others to validate. We need other’s listening, understanding, acknowledgement and response to validate our self worth and to maintain our self esteem.
Hence, the more compelling our need to speak, the more compelling is our need to receive validation from others about our self worth. So in essence what we are doing by speaking is understanding our self worth and feeling good about the value we bring for others. The more we speak, the more we feel more valued. The more people who listen to us we feel even more important and valued.
That is where we often see in meetings, workshops, gatherings people speak and leave. People wait for their turn to speak and then they leave. In fact I have seen people who do not go to meetings and gathering s if they have not been invited to speak.
So the premise from where we as speakers operate is
“I am worthy and have value to give”
“I give value to others when I speak”
“The others listen to me because they get value”
“Those who receive value listen.”
“Those who listen do not have value, so they listen and receive”
“Listeners do not have value and not worthy.”
“Listeners when will have value, they will speak.”
“I have value, I am worthy so I must speak.”
Can you see the contradiction? You as speaker need the service of hearing, understanding, acknowledging and responding from the listener to feel worthy. But you as speaker do not want to be listener thinking that they do not have worth.
Where from a listener gets her /his worth? A powerful listener in fact has less need to get validation from others to realise that they are worthy. The more you know yourself and believe in yourself, the less is the need for validation from others. You still need that validation. But it comes from self. In silence we actually are in conversation with self.
So if we are uncomfortable and afraid of silence, then we are uncomfortable and afraid of the conversation with self. We are afraid of what validation we will get from self. We are afraid that we are not worthy. We are afraid to confront this little voice in us all the time saying that, “You are not worthy. You do not have value.”
But you know from others that ‘You are worthy’. Is not it? Then why not confront this ‘little voice’ and tell that ‘it is wrong’. Why be afraid of it? Why be afraid of ‘not speaking’? Why be afraid of silence? Why be afraid of meditation?
*Vipassana is a form of meditation. The basic course is a 10 days residential course offered free in different centers all over the world. In this 10 days course participants maintain noble silence (not speaking through speech or gesture or eye contact) for first 9 days. The author is a practitioner of Vipassana.
Why is it difficult to stay without speaking? This question led me to delve deeper into 'whys' of our need for speaking and 'whys' of our fear of being silent and 'whys' of our not giving premium to listening. Hope this awareness makes my friends look at their fear on the face.
When we speak, are we alone? No, for a person to speak, there is need of at least one person who listens to the speaker. So when we speak, what need of ours is getting fulfilled? A person speaks when s/he has the need to be heard and understood.
Have you seen or experienced in a workshop where a speaker is speaking and others are not listening? How does it feel if You are the speaker? You do not feel Good; Right? And that is why we set out a rule in the beginning that when a Speaker is speaking people should to not be speaking among themselves. So when we speak we are actually fulfilling our need of being heard. The more this need, the more compelling our desire to speak.
Now let’s think of another situation. You have gone to a place where you do not know their language. When you spoke about something say asking for direction, all of them listened but they did not understand. You feel frustrated; Right? Think of another situation. You are with a group of people who speak some language which you do not speak and they do not understand what you speak. You are free to speak and they are ready to listen. But they do not understand. Is the situation comfortable for you? No, so when we speak we not only have a need to be heard but also a need to be understood.
Think of another situation. Think of a day when you went out and you spoke to many people. All of them heard you, you know they know your language and understood what you said, but none of them responded. Nobody answered, no body spoke back, no body acknowledged. Was that comfortable? No; most certainly not, isn’t it? Did you feel ignored? Did you feel humiliated? Did you feel low? Speaking and not being acknowledged hits at the heart of who you are and your self esteem. Did you feel nonexistent? So when we speak we have a need to be heard, a need to be understood and a need to be acknowledged.
Thus when we speak we are in fact receiving support to fulfil our need of being heard, understood, acknowledged, responded because this is connected to our own self worth and self esteem. So whenever we speak we think we are worthy and we are speaking something of value and that is what we expect others to validate. We need other’s listening, understanding, acknowledgement and response to validate our self worth and to maintain our self esteem.
Hence, the more compelling our need to speak, the more compelling is our need to receive validation from others about our self worth. So in essence what we are doing by speaking is understanding our self worth and feeling good about the value we bring for others. The more we speak, the more we feel more valued. The more people who listen to us we feel even more important and valued.
That is where we often see in meetings, workshops, gatherings people speak and leave. People wait for their turn to speak and then they leave. In fact I have seen people who do not go to meetings and gathering s if they have not been invited to speak.
So the premise from where we as speakers operate is
“I am worthy and have value to give”
“I give value to others when I speak”
“The others listen to me because they get value”
“Those who receive value listen.”
“Those who listen do not have value, so they listen and receive”
“Listeners do not have value and not worthy.”
“Listeners when will have value, they will speak.”
“I have value, I am worthy so I must speak.”
Can you see the contradiction? You as speaker need the service of hearing, understanding, acknowledging and responding from the listener to feel worthy. But you as speaker do not want to be listener thinking that they do not have worth.
Where from a listener gets her /his worth? A powerful listener in fact has less need to get validation from others to realise that they are worthy. The more you know yourself and believe in yourself, the less is the need for validation from others. You still need that validation. But it comes from self. In silence we actually are in conversation with self.
So if we are uncomfortable and afraid of silence, then we are uncomfortable and afraid of the conversation with self. We are afraid of what validation we will get from self. We are afraid that we are not worthy. We are afraid to confront this little voice in us all the time saying that, “You are not worthy. You do not have value.”
But you know from others that ‘You are worthy’. Is not it? Then why not confront this ‘little voice’ and tell that ‘it is wrong’. Why be afraid of it? Why be afraid of ‘not speaking’? Why be afraid of silence? Why be afraid of meditation?
*Vipassana is a form of meditation. The basic course is a 10 days residential course offered free in different centers all over the world. In this 10 days course participants maintain noble silence (not speaking through speech or gesture or eye contact) for first 9 days. The author is a practitioner of Vipassana.
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